Let me put this down before I forget:
I dreamt that I acquired a great deal of money by accompanying my former boss (whose guts I despise) steal from a couple of middle-eastern men who do 5-6 for a living. I suddenly had this vision of myself holding a thick wad of cash.
While we made a couple of stopovers throughout the city, I suddenly had the urge to excite my body. I propped my legs on the dashboard of the car and touched myself. I was going as fast as I could. Having reached climax, I opened my eyes and we were driving away again. My head was dead-weight on the outlines of the door on the passenger seat. The windows were rolled down and I could feel the cold wind on my face, especially along the line of tears on my cheeks that were suddenly there. I had been crying.
Finally, we stopped at a parking lot and we counted and arranged the money we stole to our liking. I was holding a brick of money. And I thought of getting myself hotel accomodations. And then I suddenly turned my head and saw Kaye. Asked her to marry me for convenience and that because of the money I acquired, I could raise a family with her. Asked her to leave everything behind, let our friends see that we could get married and forget everything that had happened. She smiled at me, touched my face gently and mouthed a mute reply. She turned her back and walked away.
The car doors had been open for some time while I had that strange encounter with Kaye. The cash was swirling up in the air. My companion was panicking, saving what he could. I stared up at the tornado of money. And then I sat back down in the car, exhausted, wishing for my bed.
And then I woke up.
***
A quick analysis of this dream in addition to the nature of my writing as of late, tells me that I am emotionally fatigued. In my dream I had been dealing with people who were both challenging to an extent. My former boss, Don, was not exactly the easiest to get along with as he is the kind of man who rationalizes his weakness but is keen on pointing out his complaint about everything else outside of him. I still had a profound respect for him, for his talent and what he had accomplished in life. But to me, he was an example of a man who was disillusioned in life.
Kaye. I don’t know where to begin talking about her. She was many things to me. I recall several times that I asked her to marry me. In the earlier part of our relationship, she was apprehensive of the prospect of marriage. Mid-way she was acquiesing to it. Toward the end of our relationship, she finally said yes. Fickle at first, but I got a yes. Just as few months later after that fateful Yes did we begin to crumble. I had thought about our faults. There were many things that couldn’t be said that I feel are too painful to explain. Could it be that her muted reply in my dream is myself telling me I don’t want to hear a word of it?
Kaye and Don crossed paths, in a way. This was the time that I was so in love with Kaye that I’d usually clock in late for my shift at the station. Don was really pressing hard on me, pressuring me to come to work. (I remember thinking ‘right back at you’). He would check the radio if I was going on air on time. And send me a message, “where are you?” Morning shifts. Getting up before 6 in the morning to greet the city as it wakes up. And I was in a daze after a long commute from Kaye’s house feeling begrudged to leave her side. She’d still be in bed by the time she hears me come on the radio. It was my way of still being with her. I’d play her favorite songs and some ’sleepy’ music to let her fall back asleep. My boss would text me ‘what the hell are you playing at this hour?!’ And I’d laugh about it in the loneliness of the booth; my voice echoed with the profound acoustics of the room’s design. Had a great view from there too, of how the morning lights evolve in a matter of four hours.
About a few months later my contract was not renewed, so I could no longer go on air. That devastated me. I learn much later they had to nix someone because the station was losing money. Fine. But my ‘let go’ letter stated that they would not renew my contract because of my numerous lates and absences. My colleague said that in a normal situation they’d have me suspended for my first boo-boo. Whatever the real reason was, I couldn’t deny my slacking off from the job. My technician, Edgar, died that same year. He was the guy who’d punch me in the morning while I was still cuddling with Kaye, lingering with her. Apparently, I had no escape from the axe after Edgar died. I’d punch in late and Don would complain about it, that shady character, after he’d come in an hour late too. There’s an injustice to life. He had never failed to let me know how disillusioned and tired he was from the so-called radio industry he had worked in for ten years. He told me how gung-ho he used to be. And like a married couple, he said, you begin to feel tied down and unable to grow. Why he would liken a marriage to that is curious. And so this man remains a bachelor to this day.
Don said he wants to chase a dream. Start up his own business. Get the pay off of all the monthly housing he’s been putting some money in for. I don’t know how far along he is in his dream. But I saw him one day in the mall doing a hosting job. I turned my head when the atrium reverberated with the distinct timber of his voice. He was at the back of a stage sitting down, looking bored. Oh well, I wish him well. I hope we all find our happiness.
